Wednesday, 31 March 2010
the update. prn.
so i haven't used the internet properly for over a week because 1. i've been working and 2. we've been capped so the internet is incredibly slow and thus i ceebs. so right now, the only thing that doesn't require much refreshing of pages is indeed to write a blogpost. so here we go!
work. the biggest struggle/ challenge/ test that i'm facing right now. it's a scary thought going to work not knowing what to expect. i think the whole mortality aspect is all a bit too much for me to handle right now at this age. being the person that is the last to touch, to talk, to care for someone in their last hours is an honour but definitely something that impacts your spirit and sense of self, sense of mortality.
that, and the whole responsibility shazam that every job has: being the employee, being accountable to a boss, the performance appraisals, feeling like you have to prove your competence.. is all a little much to handle.
saying that though, i think i'm getting into the swing of things. three fobby nursing students came in on monday and i showed them around the ward, taught them a few things and loved it. education is def. one of my possible career paths :)
life. so today i had another one of my life evaluations and the familiar sinking feeling in my heart set in. toward the end of last year, i had my dream life set out in front of me.. and in two weeks.. that dream was dashed.. and i was crushed. right now, i still don't think i've gotten over that yet.
today i walked around and thought about the life that i had wanted, i walked around and reminisced about my old life, walked around and just took in everything. i feel like a different person from where i was just 4 months ago.. more grown up i guess.
i think part of maturing is to stop being so idealistic, so naive.. but i think true maturity is to draw the line between being too naive and but still staying optimistic. i know in my head that all these things happened for a reason and the path i'm on now is better.. but a part of me still doesn't understand why things didn't go to plan and why i didn't get my dream.. was it just because He didn't want me to? or was it because i just wasn't good enough?
people. because of work and because i'm a socially retardedhead, i feel like i'm completely falling out of the social world. i'm struggling with work and i don't think people understand.. or actually even care how i'm doing. subconciously, i'm shutting people out, withdrawing from people.. and i dont think anyone even realises it. right now, i only trust a selected few.. and i know everyone has their problems and a lot of people's problems are bigger than mine.. but i right now i only care about those who actually care about me. i know it can get exhausting, i've been there, i've been the friend who has to constantly care for the other.. i think that i deserve that in return.
disclaimer. so yes, these are just a little possibly over-exaggerated thoughts in my head at the moment. just a few determinant factors of my recent dark cloud of a person i have become. i think i'll start a new post on more positive things, cause it hasn't been all gloom and doom .. or dhoom2. brb. 2
2 Comments:
I wub you, you munchkin <3
TALK tonight pls :)
scipe
By 
suwii, at
1 April 2010 at 4:09 pm
DHOOOOOM :D ahahah so strange (: its nice to read some of your thoughts :P
By 
, at
5 April 2010 at 1:45 pm