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The intermittent records of a slightly socially retarded, trigger happy, newbie registered nurse attempting to defy mediocrity.. and gravity, of course.

Monday, 2 August 2010

the 2am insecurities.

So here's the thing.

I really love Jesus. There are times I don't show it. There are moments I wish that part of my life could be hidden and that I had no one to be accountable to. Sometimes I am just.. lazy. The self-pity and apathy sets in, and I just walk away (or fall asleep). I'm tired. I'm constantly tired. I don't know if it's work, or just life.. but I'm exhausted.

I want to live life to the full. I'm young. The world is my oyster (nom nom). I have so many vague goals and I know I'm slowly getting there but.. it's hard. I'm getting older. I have more responsibilities. I don't like it. I feel tied down.

I feel like it's not fair. I am jealous that I've been pushed so quickly into this next chapter of my life and that I didn't get to fully experience everything I was supposed to in my university years. I'm jealous of my friends who are still relishing those years. I hate it. I hate being here by myself. I don't feel ready. I hate that no one fully understands where I am and how I feel.. and I hate that despite their best intentions, their words feel so empty.

I don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore. I used to find comfort within my group of uni friends, always have people to sit with in lectures and weekly yumchas. I used to find comfort in my high school friends and our adventures, but those times are long gone. There's something missing now.. we're all too busy. I used to find comfort in friday nights and sunday mornings. Now when I walk in, I feel like an outsider.. and that no one even notices if I'm there or not. I'm a shadow. I'm not needed anymore.

I hate that even after so long, you're still the same. So much has changed, but I think that something will always be there. This hurts me the most. I wish none of it had happened at all. I wish you had left me alone.

I miss my brother. I miss having my family all together. I miss our random ranting and laughing so hard that I can't breathe sessions, all warm and cosy in my parents room, just being a family. I miss the feeling of being a child, I feel like I'm being treated like an adult now.. when all I want to do when I get home from work is to regress into my little fantasy childlike world.

I hate feeling like I could cry at any moment. I hate that I'm not strong enough to handle this.

On the other hand,

I'm proud of myself for getting this far. I live on the feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction after a good day at work. I know that this is where God wants me for this season. I know He has a future for me, more than I can ever imagine.. if I continue to seek Him.

I love Jesus. I love music. I love the peace that comes with just finding rest in Jesus. I love the bible and the words that speak so clearly and give so much encouragement. I love the God-amazing feeling. I love worship. I love that no matter how many times I fail, He's there to pick me up again.

I love the allied health rants with Su-Wen Ng. Our late night 7eleven runs and just chillin' at my house. I'm excited about our travel plans, although they take so much drama to organise. I think her abs are amazing.

I love the bum moments with Janey, and just random phone calls that amount to nothing, but count for everything. I love her nerd-like passion for transcription and translation and mRNA and tRNA and codons. I love that she has a dream and she's working her butt off to try her best.

I love my parents for being my parents. My mum always drops me at work (Yes, even the 7am starts) and has breakfast waiting for me (: It helps so much. I love that my dad watches the window to see if the trees are swaying because that means that it'll be ideal weather for more kite flying. I love the stories my mum tells. I love that my mum likes Steve Carrell. I loved spending even just a car ride with my brother and buying a whole cheesecake cause it was on sale. I love Phileo (: I can't imagine the pain the Pillai's are going through now.. and I don't even want to think about it.

I love that I've found someone who is perfect for me. I can be myself, completely, when I'm with him. Someone that clicks. There's just this strange feeling, that no one else understands me and my quirks, like he does. Someone who loves me, for me.. as cliche as that sounds. It's comfortable. I'm finally happy.

Aaand..

..those are the thoughts in my mind, swirling around.. making up my emotional state right now. Bittersweet, I guess. But then again, it is 2.30am. I should really sleep. This helped. Thanks for listening (:

3 Comments:

Loves you. Epic post.

Huggles.

antriasm

P.S. Janey when you read this I'm revisiting transcription/translation in my presentation haha! Look up Cockayne Syndrome lol

By suwii, at 2 August 2010 at 6:04 pm

:)

xoxo

By pheebee, at 4 August 2010 at 12:26 pm